Helping Children Manage Big Feelings: 2 Tips for Building Emotional Regulation Skills
Written with Permission By: Alex Suvanto, MSc.
Registered Provisional Psychologist
Big feelings are a normal part of childhood. Whether it’s frustration after losing a game, disappointment when plans change, or tears after accidentally spilling a drink; children are still learning how to understand, communicate, and regulate their emotions.
As caregivers, it can be tempting to focus on stopping the behaviour or helping the child “calm down.” However, emotional regulation is a skill that develops over time. Children need repeated opportunities to experience emotions, practise coping strategies, and learn that their feelings are safe; even when those feelings are BIG.
Here are two strategies you can use to support your child in developing emotional regulation skills.
Tip 1: Separate the Problem Size from the Feeling Size
Have you ever noticed your child describing a small setback as a “BIG problem”?
Maybe their cup of milk spilled, they lost a game, their sibling took a toy, or something didn’t go exactly as planned. While the problem itself may be small, the feeling attached to it can be very big.
This distinction is important.
A child can have a big feeling about a small problem. Instead of telling your child, “That’s not a big deal,” try validating the feeling while helping them understand the size of the problem.
You might say:
“I can see that you are having a really big feeling right now. It’s okay to feel upset. Let’s look at the size of the problem. The milk spilled, but we can clean it up together.”
This communicates two important messages:
Your feeling is okay.
The problem is manageable.
The goal isn't to tell children that their feelings are too big or that they shouldn't be upset. Instead, we're helping them recognize that the intensity of a feeling doesn't always tell us how big the problem is.
Match the Tool to the Problem
Once your child understands the difference between the problem size and feeling size, you can help them choose a coping strategy.
For example:
Big feeling:
“I’m REALLY frustrated!”
Small problem:
“I lost the game.”
Possible coping tools:
Take three slow “balloon breaths”
Take a sip of water
Ask for a short break
Shake out your arms and legs
Take some space before trying again
You can practice identifying problem sizes together when everyone is calm:
Small problem: Something we can usually fix quickly.
Medium problem: Something that may take some time, help, or problem-solving.
Big problem: Something that requires significant support or may not have an immediate solution.
Remember: there is no “wrong” feeling. The goal is to help children develop strategies for moving through their feelings and responding to problems in ways that work for them and the people around them.
Tip 2: Practice Coping Tools When your Child is Calm
Learning emotional regulation doesn't happen overnight.
It can be difficult for a child to remember a brand-new coping strategy when they are already overwhelmed. Think about it like learning any other skill, we don't expect someone to learn to swim for the first time in the middle of a storm! The same idea applies to emotional regulation.
If you want your child to use deep breathing when they are upset, practice deep breathing when they are calm.
If you want them to ask for a break, practice asking for a break during everyday situations.
If you want them to use a visual or calming routine, introduce and practise it before they are overwhelmed.
Consistency Is Key
Rather than introducing a coping strategy only after a meltdown has started, build it into your child's everyday routine.
For example:
Morning:
“Let's practice three balloon breaths before we start our day.”
During play:
“Oops! That didn't work. Let's take a breath and try again.”
After school:
“Was there a tricky moment today? What could we try next time?”
Before bed:
“Let's practice our calming strategy together.”
The more opportunities children have to practice a skill in low-stress situations, the more familiar and accessible that skill becomes when they actually need it.
Remember: Regulation Is a Process
There isn't a magic coping strategy that will work for every child, or every situation. Your child may need to try several different strategies before discovering what works best for them! The goal isn't to eliminate big feelings. Children will still feel frustrated, disappointed, angry, worried, and overwhelmed. Instead, we're helping them build the skills and confidence to recognize those feelings, understand what is happening, and find ways to move through them.
Do you have questions regarding your child’s emotion regulation? Please reach out to info@ascendpeds.com, and they would be happy to help!
